When I'm feeling a bit hyper, it gets really 'noisy' in my head.
I had an injection in my hip as the physio decided it would not settle down with physio alone. I have to rest it for a week, so I have not had very much exercise. This hasn't been too bad but it does seem a shame to waste the good weather.
The last week also featured a clown incident. I was in the pub and already feeling slightly claustrophobic (and not a little hung-over), when a mockery of clowns walked in: A whole big painted grin of them. Thankfully, they weren't 'real' clowns (they weren't imaginary either, just students dressed up). As I've mentioned, I'm not keen. Fortunately, there were no snakes and no paper cuts but having a drunken pseudo-clown, who had not only exposed himself but also managed to soak his leg in some unknown but possibly unpleasant manner, stotting around behind me didn't make for the best night out.
I find it quite difficult to be objective about how manic I am getting most of the time. It's only when it tips past a certain point that I know for sure. I would say that I've been slightly more up than usual because I feel a great deal of pressure to talk. I want to phone people up or to be out and about seeing people all the time. I also went to get a bit too drunk at parties!
When I'm feeling a bit hyper, it gets really 'noisy' in my head. It's almost like a montage of thoughts and sounds and images. There are several thoughts going on all the time. Sometimes I have bits from books I'm reading, mixed with lines of code that I'm working on, conversations I'm imagining having with people, conversation that I've had that I'm rerunning, niggling little worries that are going on in my head, lists of things that I need to do. They all get jumbled together so that I can't concentrate properly and the lists appear in code and the conversations appear in lists. Often they are very heavily interspersed with images and thoughts of self-harm.
It can all get really quite tiring and it is quite difficult to focus. It's like being in a room full or people all talking and moving about at once. It's not that I hear voices, I most definitely don't, I just have a lot going on in my head. I get that 'stop the world I want to get off' feeling. This is the reason I've always had a bit of a predilection for 'downers', as they cut down the amount of noise.
Even if I start something quite absorbing, like a painting, I'm quite likely to get up in the middle of it, start doing half a dozen other things and totally forget about it. I lose things all over the place when I'm in this mood. I usually fidget a lot too.
It's not usually like this all day every day but it can be like this at least some of the time. Talking helps a bit because it cuts down the amount of noise to fewer things at once and stops me going off on any really destructive thoughts. But even mid-conversation there will be half a dozen things going on. I may well ask people questions and then change the subject before they've had a chance to think of an answer.
Talking is in itself no bad thing but I'm not always that discerning about what I choose to reveal, nor to whom.
I have a reputation for being a pretty open person. I do have a tendency to come out with things that are a bit inappropriate or shocking or just plain 'off topic' at times. My private life is not that private. This is, as far as I know, a fairly typical bi-polar behaviour.
This was even more evident when I was on antidepressants as they seemed to remove the last of the checks, so I would do and say some things that I'd rather I had not because it seemed like a good idea at the time, or at least it didn't seem like a bad idea.
Having said that I say things I shouldn't, there are still things I won't talk about. There are also things that I will talk about that other people might not but I see no reason not to even in my most rational moments. I am relatively open about my mental health problems because I don't see why I shouldn't be. Some people never talk about any kind of illness or health problem and that's fair enough. However, most people will talk about a lot of other health problems but not their mental health. I don't see it as something that you should distinguish between to heavily. It is no more my fault that I have mental health problems than it is that I have flat feet. Being overly secretive about it encourages the idea that it is somehow shameful.
The people who sometimes need to talk the most, especially in this nation of reticence, probably say the least.
And I should probably shut up now and again and let someone else get a word in edgewise.
Week commencing 01/05/06
Medication: Roman chamomile tea.
Exercise: 2.5 hours (not enough)
Alcohol: 25 (far too much)
Anxiety: Some anxiety and general stress.
Anxiety Level (0-10): 3
Number of Panic Attacks: 0
Severity of Panic Attack (0-5): 0
Depression: Not too bad most of the week.
Depression Level (0-5): 1.5
Mania: A bit up at times Mania Level (0-5): 2.5
Summary
Was feeling a bit up towards the end of the week. This prompted me to drink far too much on Friday, which resulted in a fairly rapid descent into a hangover for the rest of the weekend.
