I was scared of facing the world straight

Last week, I was talking about my drinking habits. Before I stopped drinking when I was about 18, I was probably regularly drinking more in a night then than I would in a week now: Probably 35 units or more in a week. This might not be an uncommon level of drinking for a student, but it wasn't doing me much good and was having an effect on my social life as I could be very unpredictable when drunk.

Alcohol isn't the only mood altering substance I have taken. I've taken all manner of things, legal and illegal and some just downright bizarre. In the prevailing media climate, illegal drugs are an emotive and controversial subject, so I can't be quite as frank as I'd like to be: I'll stick pretty much to the history.

I started smoking cannabis when I was 13, a little bit on rare occasions. I stopped for a few years, then, when I was about 16, I started smoking again, with increasing regularity.

Unfortunately, smoking joints lead me to smoking tobacco, an addiction it took me years to kick. The two habits tended to feed off each other. It was very difficult to give up tobacco when smoking joints and I used to kid myself on, when I gave up cigarettes, that joints somehow didn't count as smoking, although I would then smoke more joints just for the nicotine.

Although I was sober for a long time, I went at least 8 years without being 'straight' for more than 24 hours at one time. For years, pretty much everyone I lived with and most people I socialised with smoked pot either occasionally or regularly.

I smoked cannabis oil, grass, ate cannabis and used a wide variety of contraptions in order to maximise the effects. The grass these days seems much stronger and I noticed a few years ago that if I smoked weed for a couple of days in a row it made me really anxious. I learned to avoid strong grass.

I gave up smoking dope regularly for a lot of reasons: because I gave up smoking tobacco, because I spend more time on my own or with people who don't smoke and I don't like smoking alone and because it doesn't fit in with working. I stopped altogether at the point where I was weaning myself of anti-depressants as I wanted to be in as good a state of mind as possible. I also avoided drink and other substances.

It's hard to say if life would have been radically different if I hadn't smoked dope (I'd like to think I'd have been much taller!). I smoked all through university and for several years afterwards. Whilst being stoned might not have the same physical effects as drinking, in that it doesn't leave you slurred, staggering and then hung over, it does affect your outlook on the world.

When I did smoke all the time, having to find hash could be a real hassle. I used to get quite stressed at the thought of running out as I was scared of having to face the world straight. I also used to get quite paranoid about the law.

Okay, that's drink and cannabis; I'll leave the rest of my bad habits until next week.

Week commencing 19/06/06

Medication: Roman chamomile.
Exercise: 3 hrs
Alcohol: 5
Anxiety: Much improved
Anxiety Level (0-10): 1
Number of Panic Attacks: 0
Severity of Panic Attack (0-5):NA
Depression: In really quite a relaxed and happy mood.
Depression Level (0-5): 1
Mania: A bit restless later in the week
Mania Level (0-5): 2

Summary

I managed to get some fairly good sleep and came over all in a good mood this week, although this was possibly getting a bit hyper towards the end of the week, but a pleasant change none the less. However, I have now caught another virus. I'm still reasonably upbeat but a little tired due to the sore throat. As ever, I'm hoping to shake it off quickly so I can get back to getting some exercise as I haven’t been out on my bike for weeks!