Sometimes the effort to stay calm is just too big a stretch.
My partner was away for most of the week, which gave me a good opportunity to take stock and to catch up on a few jobs around the house. However, I was still swinging from being quite frantic to being really low.
However, after a whole week of partner free peace and quiet, I found myself very easily overwhelmed by situations.
Walking along Princes Street on a Saturday during the Edinburgh festival was a bad idea. There were just too many people, all their faces bobbing about. I ended up having a bit of a panic.
I have never been that great in crowds anyway. Eventually all the jostling and the constant moving about makes me feel queasy and threatened and I either want to curl up in a ball or to start lashing out at people to get away.
Some days I have trouble coping with noise and babble, even just people talking, everything starts to blur like the noise under water at the swimming pool. I can hear the sound but nothing makes sense.
On Sunday, I elected to go hill walking by myself.
Sometimes when I can’t be bothered with things I reckon it is better to go and do your own thing than to inflict yourself on other people. There is not reason why other people should have to put up with my moods and it is just storing up guilt for myself for later.
Sometimes the effort to stay calm is just too big a stretch.
And, anyway, everyone needs a bit of peace and quiet now and again.
The hill walking was really good.
Week commencing 21/08/06
Medication: 5 mg Valium. Near constant cups of roman chamomile tea.
Exercise: 8 hours
Alcohol: 12
Anxiety: Quite nervey most of the week.
Anxiety Level (0-10): 4
Number of Panic Attacks: 1
Severity of Panic Attack (0-5): 1.5
Depression: Quite miserable a times.
Depression Level (0-5): 3.5
Mania: not quite as bad as last week. More manic early in the week.
Mania Level (0-5): 2
Summary
Again, not a great week. I generally felt a lot better after exercise but the effects wore off quite quickly.
