Periods of creativity often seem to coincide with being ill
The painting a day project is going well. There are signs of definite improvement but my first attempt was so bad it could hardly have gone any other way.
If I were feeling a bit more negative then I would probably be focussing more on the bad paintings and the flaws and would be more inclined to give up.
However, because I’m in a reasonably positive mood, I’m quite enjoying it even if I have yet to develop, or recapture, any real style. Anyway, it’s just a fairly relaxed attempt at some painted sketches and studies to rebuild basic skills and not a mission to create a magnum opus.
I am wary of getting carried away because periods of creativity often seem to coincide with being ill, particularly with the more chaotic and out of control episodes.
When I was a teenager, I used to jump out of bed in the middle of the night and paint things (once the entire bedroom wall to my mother’s slight annoyance). On another occasion, I inadvertently set my hand on fire. Or I’d start painting and stay up for days on end without remembering to sleep or eat. I’ve done similar things with music and animation.
Art college was a fairly turbulent time for me for various reasons, not least the constant criticism. Academic work is marked but creative work is judged. When sculptures I had spent months over got slated it felt like a personal attack. It was equally frustrating when the work that was really appreciated was the piece that I myself liked the least.
There is a complicated relationship between mental state and creative direction. I could ramble on and on about this and another aspects of bipolarity and creativity, so I’ll cut it short and maybe go back to it another week.
Suffice it to say, the results of my current project are largely benign, no limbs have been set on fire, no parts of my house have been redecorated and no animals have been harmed.
This last week I had worst panic attack I have had for a while. It was a bit of a freak wave in an otherwise relatively untroubled sea. It was brought on by a stressful situation, in no way related to painting.
There have been some very good programmes about mental health, depression and bi-polar disorder on Radio 4 lately. Case notes this week was about manic depression and there was an episode of ‘Am I Normal’ on depression- if you have broadband you can listen to them on the Radio 4 listen again service:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/science/
Oh, and for anyone who didn’t get the obscure cultural reference last week: Nannette Newman used to do the Fairy liquid adverts, she had a very melodious, soft voice (and equally soft hands and face if the hype is to be believed).
Week commencing 11/09/06
Medication: 8 mg Valium
Exercise: 1.5
Alcohol: 10
Anxiety: background anxiety has been generally fairly low but I did have one very bad night and morning. I’ll record my average anxiety level.
Anxiety Level (0-10): 1
Number of Panic Attacks: 1
Severity of Panic Attack (0-5): 4
Depression: I’d say I’m generally feeling a bit more positive.
Depression Level (0-5): 1
Mania: A bit more focused than I was. It’s hard to tell whether I am a wee bit up or just generally on a roll. Still feel like I may have been being a bit over the top in social situations but otherwise fine.
Mania Level (0-5): 1.5
Summary
I’ve had a touch of insomnia although for me this means missing a few hours sleep, I know other people have it much worse, it’s just a little unusual for me. I’m still managing to get lots done but I think, generally, things are fine apart from the one really severe panic attack brought on by a stressful situation.
