Would I choose not to be bipolar? It would be like choosing to be an entirely different person

There have been various programmes, both on TV and radio, recently about mental health and bipolarity.

Last week I watched Stephen Fry: Secret Life of a Manic Depressive. (You can see it on Teleport replay if you have it).

Stephen Fry was talking a lot about how you can seem fine to everyone else, even jovial, yet inside there is this voice telling you you are totally rubbish.

When I feel good, I tend to think that everything I do is good. I think I look good. I think I am nice.

When I don’t feel good, everything I do is rubbish. I look rubbish. I’m a bad person.

When I look in the mirror, sometimes I actually look like a different person than the one I expect to see because my perspective has shifted radically or my critical side is cranked up to maximum.

I know that the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I’m not stunning and I’m not a troll. I’m not sweetness and light but I’m not Mira Hindley either.

It’s all a matter of perspective.

I know these are the kind of questions and doubts that affect everyone but it can be particularly acute in people who suffer from mood swings.

When it comes to creativity though, this lack of proper perspective can be difficult. Do I like this painting because it is good or because I am feeling good? Do I think everything I have done this month was a pointless waste of time fit for burning because it is or because I’m losing it again?

It is impossible to be objective about it. The only thing I know for sure is that sometimes my judgement is wildly off. The very knowledge that I can totally lose my sense of judgement about myself, about my actions, about those around me, about my mental state and even worse about whether I have lost perspective, can make me very paranoid. In fact, even thinking about it now makes me quite uncomfortable.

I have also seen some discussions where creative people have talked about the problems of taking drugs like Prozac, which they felt affected their internal voice. One of the reasons why treatments such as SSRIs can be so good is because they calm down the part of you that constantly criticises and stops you turning on yourself and wanting to harm yourself but it can also affect your judgement.

The problem for some very creative bipolars is that their talent seems to stem from their bipolarity and they need to tread a very fine balance between feeling well and still being able to work.

As far as painting goes now, I am glad it is just a hobby and not my raison d’etre. I think I’d rather be very mildly bipolar, as I am, than exceptionally gifted and really ill with it.

However, Stephen Fry did ask several people if they could choose not to be bipolar, would they? I have often wondered the same thing. It would be like choosing to be an entirely different person.

The booklet to accompany 'The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive' has been produced by the BBC, you can download it below:

Week commencing 18/09/06

Medication: Roman chamomile
Exercise: 3.5
Alcohol: 18- this is far too much! I suffered for it at the weekend and made myself thoroughly miserable.
Anxiety: again not too bad overall apart from the bad hangover paranoia
Anxiety Level (0-10): 1.5
Number of Panic Attacks: 1
Severity of Panic Attack (0-5): 1
Depression: OK
Depression Level (0-5): 1
Mania: Still getting a lot done but I can’t tell now whether I am a bit manic and denying it or totally fine. I’m not so manic that I’m scattering my energy so it can’t be too bad.
Mania Level (0-5): 2

Summary

Mostly OK if a little bit paranoid but I really shouldn’t have had so much to drink at the weekend as it made me very paranoid and freaked out. I could also do with a bit more exercise.