This week it's Scottish Mental Health Week.
With this in mind and because it has been nearly a year since I started my diary, I've been asked to write about how I have found the process of writing it.
When I started writing the diary, I didn't think it would go on for nearly this long.
I was also worried that the introspective nature of constantly writing about my mental state might have a bad effect on me. Sometimes it has been a bit distressing. On other occasions, it has been a positive thing. The feedback I have received about the diary has been very warm and heartfelt which is always good for my self esteem. Also, I have been in a period of relative mental calm for the last year, and the diary has served to remind how well I really am most of the time.
That said, there are definitely some entries where you can see I'm a bit hyper as I ramble on for paragraph after paragraph.
I've tried to avoid writing too many really maudlin entries as I don't think it helps at all. Having to put a positive slant on things or having to grin and bear it helps remind me that I will get better.
One difficulty in keeping such a personal yet public record of my mental health is its effect on relationships. My partner reads it, and tells me how boring it is, unless I mention him and, preferably, wax lyrical about how great he is (of course he is, but I wouldn’t want to embarrass him by saying so!). However, our relationship, like most relationships, has its up and downs. There are times when our relationship affects my mental health or my mental health affects our relationship. It’s not always easy to put up with someone being moody, and I can be quite difficult too (kidding darling).
There could be a temptation to use the diary to have a dig about some little niggle in our relationship that seemed like a really big deal that week. However, once it is written and published, it is there long after the melodrama has been forgotten. I do get totally obsessed by things sometimes and it is only with the benefit of hindsight that I can see I was totally ‘off on one’. Even when I am right and he is wrong, (it does happen), it still wouldn’t be fair as he does not have access to the same forum and no right to reply.
The same goes for writing about my friends. Some of my friends also have mental health problems or just general everyday problems that may be relevant. However, if I do mention them I do so only in the vaguest terms as, although no-one else reading this might be able to identify them, I don’t know if they read this and if they do I would not want to misrepresent, offend or embarrass them.
It can be quite difficult to try to separate me from my personal relationships as my partner and my friends are extremely important to me but as I agreed to write this diary knowing it would be seen, they have no say in the matter.
I used to try and avoid watching or reading too much stuff about bipolar disorder because I don't want to be a ‘career bipolar’. However, in order to write some of the diary entries I have been keeping more of an eye on what is being said out there in the ether.
The Stephen Fry programme was very informative but I found it a bit unsettling.
I know I am bipolar, although only mildly, and I am quite open about that but nonetheless, part of me is still in denial about it. So, when I watch such programmes and I can recognise myself in a lot of what people say, it reminds me that I could become really ill. I prefer not to think about that.
Whilst I think people with mental health problems should neither be defined nor define themselves by their illness, it is most definitely important to get to know yourself and your own moods, what can affect you, either for good or for ill. A diary or some other record, such as drawing graphs, can help with this.
Most importantly, as I am really opinionated, or so I am told, the diary is ideal as it allows me to, as my mother would put it, ‘lay off’ about things.
I hope that other people have got something out of it too.
