I’ve got a coke problem: A diet coke problem to be precise.

I go out for a night intending not only to be sensible with the alcohol but also to steer clear of the caffeinated mixers.

The plan of going out for a few drinks goes fine, I’m even quite good at alternating in soft drinks (if I can find any that aren’t rammed with sugar or likely to send my stomach into heartburn overdrive) but then I hit the magic three drinks and if the craic is flowing and I don’t want to leave the party, I find I just don’t care quite so much about drinking sensibly let alone what I’m mixing my drinks with.

The extra drink is bad enough but I’m pretty sure it is the caffeine that does the real damage.

I no longer drink the way I used to. No more drinking doubles means no more seeing double. I do have some concept of moderation even if it could do with a bit of honing. However, if I start on the diet coke, I might feel like the life and soul of the party for a few hours but guaranteed I will wake up in the morning feeling anxious, paranoid and thoroughly wired. It gives me the fear.

So it was on Sunday morning that I woke up feeling totally off kilter. It took me all day and a fair bit of Roman Chamomile to stop feeling like the theme from Jaws was being played just at the edge of my range of hearing. I still didn’t feel entirely right the day after.

On top of a week where I had generally started feeling a bit more insecure it didn’t really help. After months when I have been feeling remarkably well, there have been some definite blue moments creeping back in too. Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water.

On the positive side, I think I feel these little blips much more acutely than I used to. Before I got a better handle on what makes me tick, I used to spend most of my life throwing little spanners into my mental works. I was so used to feeling a bit off balance in one direction or another that I only noticed if I mentally tipped right over. These days my balance is much improved and I’d rather keep it that way.

It’s not worth it. Lesson learned this time, hopefully! Mine will be a small vodka and slimline and a taxi for Jemma.

Week commencing 22/01/07

Medication: Roman chamomile
Exercise: 6
Alcohol: 12
Anxiety: Increasing
Anxiety Level (0-10): 4
Number of Panic Attacks:0
Severity of Panic Attack (0-5):NA
Depression: Increasing
Depression Level (0-5): 2.5
Mania: The odd hyper moment.
Mania Level (0-5): 1

Summary

Having a bit of a wobble.