If this is as depressing as the year is going to get, then bring it on!

Last Monday was supposedly the most depressing day of the year. Just before pay day, everyone feeling poor after Christmas, the nights are long, the weather's poor and most folk's New Year resolutions have been well and truly broken. All that’s left of the festive season are a few forlorn and dried up Christmas trees littering the street.

On Monday I was thinking, "If this is as depressing as the year is going to get, then bring it on!"

It's got to the stage where it is not quite dark when we leave the office at the end of the day. Nothing disastrous has happened.

I did, however, get a bit too excited too soon. Whilst some of those around me seemed a bit morose in the early week, I was doing fine but the shine well and truly wore off by Wednesday.By Friday, I was feeling really pretty hacked off.

I was having intrusive thoughts about harming myself. This is not as big a problem as it may sound, as I have had these since I was a teenager and they are generally very fleeting and I have had a lot of practice of not acting on these impulses. It's fairly similar to stopping smoking, once you stop you still get the urge to smoke. At less stressful times these impulses are less frequent and more easy to resist at other times they are more difficult to deal with.

The only time I have not had these urges at all is when I was on anti-depressants. I found that not having panic attacks and not feeling the urge to self-harm was the best thing about being on theanti-depressants.The only time the intrusive thoughts really bother me is when they become so frequent that is becomes difficult to concentrate.This week was nowhere near that, just a minor blip. Friday was a low point and then gradually over the weekend I bounced back a bit.

I'm still going on the theory that if this is a bad as it is going to get then I will be very, very grateful.

To keep my spirits up I'm trying to keep on top of things, seize the day rather than letting things lie undone for weeks until they start to get on my nerves. Sunday was an excellent day and I got lots of things out of the way and that reduced my stress levels a great deal.

Week commencing 23/01/06

Medication: Regular roman chamomile. Valium 8 mg.

Exercise: 5 hrs

Alcohol: 2

Anxiety: Moderate

Anxiety Level (0-10): 3

Number of Panic Attacks: 0

Severity of Panic Attack (0-5): NA

Depression: A bit more down than last week but bouncing back towards the end of the week.

Depression Level (0-5): 3

Mania: Not manic.

Summary

A bit of a low point but nothing compared to previous years.