Aisha
I suppose my problems started when I was about 14. I have always been prone to panics, even as a small baby, but when I was about 14 I became depressed, and found this quite difficult to deal with. I had some great support from a friend, but most people told me that it was just hormones and I would get over it. As far as they were concerned it was ‘just a Phase’.
By the time I was 17 or 18 things had got really bad. A combination of never having been taken seriously when I knew that there was clearly something going on, and the stress of that stage of school made things seem really difficult to cope with. In the months leading up to my final exams I started self harming as a way to gain some sort of control over the way I was feeling. I found that I would get myself into such a state over things I would have a panic attack, and start hitting and scratching myself. On one occasion I cut myself with a pair of nail scissors. It made me feel suddenly calmer and I was able to approach things in a much clearer manner. It became something of a habit, each evening I would do it to try to get that feeling of clarity back.
It was at this stage that I decided that things had gone too far, and that I should seek help, so I went to my family doctor who was a huge help. I think half of the battle was getting someone to take me seriously, and once I had I felt much more in control of the situation. I was able to tell my parents that I was depressed, but have never been able to tell them that I self harm.
I stopped self harming on a regular basis, and was able to get through my exams and got a place at university. I have become much better at dealing with stressful situations, but I still self harm occasionally. I am no longer as calculated with it as I used to be, and it usually only happens if I have a panic attack. Then I will often hit myself or scratch my legs or face. Sometimes I pull my hair out. On one occasion I cut my wrist with a knife, previously I had only ever cut the tops of my legs. I think the fact that I had done it in such a visible place made me worry that people would notice.
People tend to have a very closed view about poor mental health, and I have found that since I have started being honest about my problems there are a huge number of people who have opened up to me about their own problems. I feel that it is really important to challenge negative views of people with poor mental health. Once people started taking me seriously, and understood what was going on, I found things much easier to cope with.
Do you have a personal story you would like to share?
Telling your story can help others feel less isolated and help raise awareness about a range of mental health issues. To find out more or to comment on any of the stories you've read here email: wellscotland@scotland.gsi.gov.uk
Next story: Rose
