Rose
My mother took her own life in February 2003 after suffering from severe depression for a number of years. A rift in our family, the family she had dedicated much of her life in building, broke down the defences that she had so far been able to use against feelings of depression that had already started to manifest themselves. Even before the traumatic events took place in our family I remember seeing my mum withdraw further into herself, of her talking about feeling rudderless and cast adrift. It was as if at this brief point in time she was reaching out for help, before everything unravelled.
Communication from the earliest stages of depression is vital in coming to terms with it. My Mother became so isolated and things accelerated very fast from then on in. She was hospitalised after the first attempt on her life, and I could feel my grasp slipping away from her. The stigma and fear that surrounds issues of Mental Health increased my mum’s isolation from the life she knew before, and doubly increased the sense of shame she felt about her failure. Some of the elements of her treatment; her removal from her home, life inside a hospital and the emphasis of medication over other forms of therapy, such as counselling, had a dehumanising effect and led her to withdraw into herself even further.
No one should never ever feel ashamed, or be made to feel ashamed of, feelings of despair and depression. In many ways they are some of the most human feelings to have: most, if not all of us, feel them to some degree. It’s as they spiral out of our control that help is needed. Find it where you can; friends, family or an organisation, and reach out your hand for the help you need and don’t stop looking until you have found it. How ever much you may feel it, you are not alone. The more open dialogue about Mental Health issues we have the easier it will be for those experiencing problems to come forward sooner in seeking help. I feel that the earlier people are able to communicate their problems the less likely it will be that they will form a serious intention to take their own life.
As a person bereaved by suicide it’s a particularly painful way to grieve. I fight feelings of guilt almost every day of my life, but that feeling is essentially another form of wishing my Mum back and alive with me every day of my life. If you love someone and you show them that love then you have done everything you can to help them. I look back and I have so many ‘I wish I’d...’ I don’t look at all I did and all my Mum appreciated me doing. It has left me emotionally scarred. Throughout her depression and following her death I have had times of feeling very low myself: experiencing feelings of anguish, anger and hopelessness.
I have great support around me and as much as feelings of depression make you feel alone and reluctant to express your fears, I find comfort in the support my closest friends and family can offer me. It’s always worth fighting that instinct to close down when feeling low and open out to people instead. Often, in just voicing those fears they no longer seem so all consuming.
Sometimes, the feelings become too strong for friends and family to help. When this happens I’ve sought other forms of help. My local GP referred me to the different forms of counselling offered in my area. It’s worth contacting a number of places till you find someone you feel comfortable talking to. For me, when I first looked for a counsellor, it took sometime for me to find one I felt comfortable with and that I felt was really helping me. Eventually my sister recommended the counsellor she herself had seen. I went to sessions regularly over the course of a year and it helped me enormously. The counsellor was empathetic but also was one step removed from my situation and could help me look at things in a way that on my own, or through my family, I was unable to do. It helped me regain my sense of perspective.
I still have times when I get very low, and I seek help sooner rather than later, whether from friends, family or elsewhere. I’ve found acknowledging my feelings of depression and expressing them to someone, immediately relieves the pressure and feeling of isolation depression introduces.
The memory of my mum’s suicide will hurt me forever more, but I cannot blame myself or anyone else. In the end my mum, after many years of a terrible inward struggle, felt she was releasing us as much as herself. I wish her back everyday, but as time passes and the terrible fact remains I start to hold onto the memories from before she became so ill. I remember how great and generous a mother she was, intelligent and kind and I endeavour to live in her example.
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